A rare mother admits that he deprives one of the children with love. One is cold to one, and all the attention goes to another. However, only awareness of what is happening can help to build a relationship in a new way.

“A woman can educate two children, while she loves the boy, and as if she does not notice the girl,” says the psychotherapist Veronika Stepanova. – The son throws his studies, begins to smoke early, drink, becomes indifferent to social achievements, and to the mother herself. The daughter, competing for maternal love, on the contrary, obediently, with honors graduates from school and university, builds a brilliant career. Nevertheless, the mother continues to treat with tenderness exclusively with her son, whom she mutilated by blind love «. Why? There may be several reasons.

The opposite floor

Sometimes it is with the boys that the mother has a deeper connection, due to the fact that Karl Jung described how Oedipov complex. The unconscious attraction of the child to the parent of the opposite sex, in turn, can form a special emotional attachment to him from his mother or father.

Early motherhood

In early children, a mother can unconsciously lay charges: you stole my youth, beauty, freedom. I was forced to get married and now I can not escape from this relationship. Often, a woman literally escapes from a child, moves to another city and gives her grandmother to educate. And poorly formed maternal instinct is aggravated by a gap with the baby.

Mirror itself

In a child you can see those qualities that we do not love first of all in ourselves. Often these are features that a mother or father did not accept in us.

Genetics

A woman is faced with an independent personality, and not just copying herself. Sometimes she feels that this little man is not at all close to her. He can remind her of a family member with whom she has a bad relationship: mother, father, mother -in -law. And only the fact that this is her child forces to treat the child with patience.

Transfer

You can experience anger towards your husband, but at the

same time prohibit yourself to express it. Then the angle of attention is shifted to one of the children. A woman breaks irritation on a child, although she actually protests against a relationship with his father.

Specialist comment

Natalia Artsybasheva, Gestalt therapist

The unconscious deprivation of the love of one of the children leads to severe consequences in several generations. For example, an adult woman gives his brother a share when he needs a family apartment, simply because “he needs” and “I’m used to doing so”. And only then he realizes that this method of behavior from her mother, who once gave part of the house to her sister. Because she was an unloved child and she was taught to give everything to Sibling.

In their practice, psychologists often face similar stories. If you are ready to stop and think, then you have a chance to interrupt this negative process. The first thing to do is to cope with anger in any possible ways, get out of the emotional stream and look at the situation from the side. It is important to recall that the child is defenseless, vulnerable, dependent on you and he has little life experience. He cannot specifically «bring you», «do it». Responsibility in the situation lies with you.

However, often distortion of the parental position, when the mother absolutely sincerely blames the daughter: “I spent the whole pregnancy from the first days in an embrace with the toilet. So you disliked me at once!»Feelings appeared not by chance: a small suffering child also speaks in you, and you most likely also need help. But you can get this help while in the role of a psychologist client. And in the role of the parent, you are an adult and are responsible for both your own child and for your inner suffering child.

It is important to admit that you can’t cope, but at the same time do not fall into a state of parental shame and a feeling of powerlessness. We are all imperfect and sometimes we can’t cope. If you agree with this, you can ask for help and support, look for a way out. If you fall into a state of shame, then click in severe experiences, remain alone with a sense of insolvency and become incapable of contact with the child. So that this does not happen, you need to be able to support yourself, look for not guilty, but a way out of the situation. If you enjoy the right of strong, then in the future your child will become stronger than you, and you will reap what you sowed. It is important to make a conscious choice right now.